Poetry

 The Budding Flower
The budding flower quivers with fear.
She knows what beauty lies in the sunlight,
The progress that can be made with a drop of rain,
But still she hides.
She delays her awakening.
What will they say when they see her?
Will they laugh out loud or only whisper their disapproval?
She knows the value of the beauty that lies within,
But she shelters it,
Knowing everyone won’t see it,
Or that they’ll fear it.
Exposing her to ridicule.
She fears she won’t be able to handle it,
That with the first cruel word,
She will whither in front of them,
Her peddles falling in the distress,
Never to see beauty again.
One day she will stand tall, though,
Unveiling each peddle as if it were the
Most magnificent action ever to unfold.
She will claim her place,
Spill her love.
She will no longer fall prey to the flooding of fear.
She will see the disapproval for what it is.
She will set an example with her strength,
And finally unleash the beauty that has been entrusted to her.
3/30/10
  
 I Was There
I was there for the kiss that froze a moment in time,
Then that sweet moment when we both stopped to rhyme.
I was there when you crushed me in your arms,
Made such sweet noises and put on your charms.
I was there when we told each other things we had wanted to say,
Then right after when we went back to our passionate play.
I was there that sweet night completely wrapped up in you
For a feeling so wonderful and so new.
I was there the next morning when you were trembling in bed.
I was there for all of the wonderful things that you said,
There to kiss you all over and pull back your hair.
No matter what you do or say, I was there.
8/2000
 
  
 These Walls
On these walls I’ve come to depend.
From top to bottom there’s no end.
Built strong over many years.
Built because of all my fears.
Safely I stay hidden inside.
To break through some have tried.
With no avail they then moved on.
Through the years these walls stayed strong.
Then suddenly it happened one day.
Somehow he found a way.
He broke them down one by one.
Then when he was finally done,
He took my heart and broke it in two.
He said nothing was really true.
Injured I began the difficult task
To rebuild the walls and make them last.
Without them pain is imminent.
Now not a thing could make even a dent.
2000
  
 Scattered Thoughts
Daily things do not settle.
Further I fall into despair.
The past can be so unforgiving.
I sit here a total mess.
Does happiness really exist?
I look around me and see all of the beauty,
But is it just like a pretty cover to a plain book?
Once removed, you see the truth,
A plain an uninspiring image,
A life of sorrow or one without a song.
Are all the songs just to bring us hope,
Of love, of adventure, of dreams?
Do dreams really come true?
Does love really exist?
Is this all an illusion? I believe not.
I believe beauty lies somewhere.
I just think we need to dig deeper,
Beyond the painted cover,
Beyond the dull underneath.
Inside can be magic,
The love we’ve always longed for,
The dream we’ve longed to achieve,
The person we want to be.
Here I sit alone.
I think on tomorrow; I write on today.
I stop to focus; I write to achieve.
Eventually I will have to emerge,
Emerge to see my daily scenes,
To ask my daily questions.
Why do we do this? What makes them do that?
Why does she cheat? Why is he cruel?
I find myself being brought down by my surroundings.
I begin to doubt any kind of goodness.
In this world of computers and superficial encounters,
Can I find what I’m looking for?
Do we still have the passion to live up to what I expect,
Or did we ever have it at all?
Maybe love can’t stand the test of time?
Then I catch a small glimpse,
A written word, a true story,
And it makes me realize that it is there.
Just a select few are able to find it
And have the heart to keep it.
2001
  
  
A First Step
I’ve taken the step that will shape my future,
Broke through the hardened barricade that made my past.
I stepped across the sea to foreign lands,
Walked in eagerness and fear upon their sands.
My heart and soul filled with excitement.
As I walk and see, absorb like a sponge.
I walk the ancient monuments I’ve learned of.
Each step I take, deeper I fall in love
With a place that is filled with miles if history.
On each adventure, I step into the past.
I fall into a time when lived a knight,
A time when common people had no rights,
A period in which kings and queens were truly sovereign
And where a castle was a home.
Through dated stones, Roman baths,
Shakespeare’s home and Artists' paths.
Then under the channel to a land with foreign tongue,
Which brought fear, confusion and the most memorable fun,
Up the breathtaking tower painted in gold,
Down the canal where history is told.
A building topped with gargoyles,
A long walk through the louvre,
A trek up top an arc, then back on the move.
This time upon a ferry to a distant land,
See the beauty of their nature as I pull upon their sand,
A land of happy spirits with singing every place,
Through their sorrowed past, a smile stayed on their face.
When their hopes do sink, they have another drink.
The party still goes on and is ended with a song.
Now off to the sky
‘Cause to the next land I must fly.
Here bikes line every corner,
Transportation suitable for a stoner.
Through the house of hiding
Where a young girl wrote a diary,
A canal ride we take,
Then off to find spacecake.
Then we’re back to London for one more week of play.
I loved my time so dearly; I always want to stay,
But now I must return home to dream of the next time I’ll roam.
6/2002
 
  
There was a Time When Innocence Possessed
There was a time when innocence possessed
My thoughts and made me long for love astray
Until the day I felt your sweet caress;
The love you gave gently showe’d the way.
Though sun, in darkness I maintained my quest
Until you came and gave my day true light;
Your presence put my searching thoughts to rest
And showed my heart how to direct my sight.
Through loss of you, you’d think I’d fall off course,
Fall back into the pattern of my past;
My fallen tears to desperation force,
To untrue arms my sorrowe’d heart cast.
But once to stand up to the face of truth
Has washed away all fashions of my youth.
11/2002
  
Untitled
There’s something I lack,
An inability,
Designed with an imperfection,
Defective.
I’m always searching for it,
Waiting for it.
I’m afraid to step into the hands of chance.
I’m fearless.
I jump out of planes.
I fall off of platforms.
I reshape my life,
But I won’t fall into his arms,
Whoever he is.
I won’t chance what comes after.
I won’t step into the light.
It’s not here yet and still I know,
I won’t fall into his arms.
Afraid to know-
2003
Something Coming
I feel as if I’m about to come out of my skin.
Something’s coming.
I feel it coming.
I’m not sure what it is, but it’s on its way.
I am filled with impatience.
There’s going to be a change.
Will I be ready to accept it,
To flow with it, as water in a river,
Without resistance, without fear?
That’s too much to hope for.
I’m coming out of my skin,
Ready to start my life again.
2003
Evolutionary Track
The planets in perpetual orbit
Give a sense that there is order,
Some kind of reason.
If you stay your course,
Will you reach your destination?
Or on that course like a planet
Will you continue to repeat existence?
Circling the same path
With the same situations
And the same sorrows?
What’s balance when you’re at it alone?
Maybe to step outside the course.
Maybe then you can see.
It could be waiting for you there,
Right outside the boundaries of reason.
The loss is lucidity-
Routine.
If you stay within the lines,
You miss what’s outside.
Take a step into the abyss
With an intrepid spirit.
Fall away from the design.
Fall out of eccentricity.
Fight your way from the star that pulls,
The unfaltering memory of joy or security.
Lose your fear of letting go.
Forget the dreams along the way.
See what’s beyond.
Force through the belts, rock and ice,
Beyond our galaxy to an unknown.
Only then can you see what’s true.
2003
Will You Be There
I want to walk the world with him,
The one that’s out there,
The one that’s waiting.
I’m not sure of anything anymore.
I live with two questions,
Is my heart dying?
Or is it stepping out to live?
Why is everything so confusing?
I’m just another particle of sand
Waiting for the wind
To carry me to my next destination.
Will you be there?
2003
  
Truth
Truth is a never-ending quest
To find what’s behind, beyond, underneath, through.
But when do you know you have truth?
How do you know when to grasp it?
Beyond the shadow of right and wrong,
Good and evil, or are they all one?
Have we chosen knowledge and now have to achieve it?
Still, thousands of years later, we remain blind.
We need another apple.
I think now we are afraid to know.
It caused such heartache in the first place.
Now, we bury ourselves into these unhappy situations.
We chain ourselves with these meaningless rules.
We hinder our quest with unfulfilling possessions.
We continue to consume,
It will never fill that void.
Tied to what we think matters.
Held down by money, power, things.
We are our own worst enemy.
The power to achieve greatness
Lies in the palm of our hands
And the depth of our soul,
But we have to resolve it together.
There’s the way to truth.
2004
Lead Me Home
Inspiration hard to find.
I’ve poured and poured my troubled mind.
There’s nothing left for me to say.
It’s harder to find the words each day.
Freedom I seek, as I’ve received.
I soon will travel, a future conceived.
Will I find my place or another way to roam?
Will I find the path, which will lead me home?
8/2004
A German Sunrise
Isn’t it true that every scene inspires.
Some emotion or another is evoked.
A German sunrise,
The current atmosphere.
It brings tears.
It speaks hope.
The beauty of the world lies here.
We just forget to look.
We look too often at the ugliness
Which surrounds us,
Never looking up.
This is the beauty that connects us all.
We are all capable of achieving it.
We just need to look up.
10/2004  
Firenze
Firenze,
At no fault of your own,
People poison your streets
With hate and cruelty and greed.
You lie, the beauty within,
Waiting for release.
I see you fighting for it,
Searching for an opening.
With your gentle ways,
Take back what has been lost.
Spill beauty into the hearts of the reeling.
Rid fire from the teachings of the ignorant.
Stand fast against resistance.
A long fight is ahead.
Gently breathe your love over the land.
Then affect other cities in this way.
Free us from the prisons we’ve created.
11/2004
Dancing
Clouds swimming in the rivers,
The sun burning in the trees,
I dancing within my skin,
A picture painted in time.
I forgot you were gone.
I found you in the beauty.
I saw you in the sky.
For a moment,
It was mine.
10/2004
Ardent Wind
I sent some wind his way,
Every part of me the force,
From sullen fingertips
To the sorrow of my arms,
The longing of my lips
To the screaming of my heart.
My nose, loss of companionship,
My feet, their friends gone too,
Every part of me,
Missing every inch of you.
The thirst now of my chest,
The hunger between my legs
To feed my very soul
Now slowly comes your way.
The current subsisting of my heart’s every beat,
Driven by the breath from every sigh.
If your destination is still my way,
Position every sail.
No longer adrift will your schooner be.
You’ll be sailing straight back to me.
I wait upon an empty shore
Calling out your name.
3/2005
Long Lost Love
A repeat of the failings of long lost love.
It is set upon me,
A perpetual longing sent to drive and force me away from sanity.
I hear the music of the past.
It beats, it beats, pounding, piercing.
What is this dream I hold onto?
An image of false identity?
Or is it a confirmation of truth?
He writes me still within his words,
Not fallen after, not washed away.
Does he feel what he writes? What was there?
Did we both create a fantasy we cannot escape from?
Who is he really, and who am I?
The sun rises and falls another day.
I am here. I am still here.
I have survived this malediction.
Tomorrow, I will live it again.
My tears will flow over these congested streets.
They will ask why she cries so hard.
My beatitude severed.
Even my “endearing” qualities unable to secure a hold.
What is it he sees?
A final fight is upon us.
I call for truth.
I desire not to hold to what is false.
My dreams are better spent saturated with authenticity.
Once upon, looked life as a fortune.
Now is spent, spent on hope, spent on time, spent on you.
Was it spent wisely?
I wait to know.
2005
Tears Waiting in Suspense
Tears waiting in suspense.
Her cheek basks in the drought,
Vision now clear,
Mind free of burden,
Heart rich with hope.
It is a fleeting moment.
Constant cries of dependency threaten her complacency.
She feels it beating at the door.
She knows she has only moments before there is a breach.
The room begins to darken as the sorrow is exposed.
She braces for the impact.
Liquid ascends to the surface,
Eyes now submerged.
As the glass meets his mouth,
The intoxicant flows
Down the curves of her face,
The perimeter of his throat.
Again, all is lost.
2005
Spring
Life returning to the trees.
Hope sailing on the seas.
Change within making its way out.
Fallen dreams no longer inspiring doubt.
I want to run through the unknown fields of my life,
Escape my history of unbearable pain and strife.
No longer need to be afraid of what’s me.
Just live and dance and love and be free.
The future hidden behind the budding mountain.
I hold onto hope and toss a coin in a fountain.
In the cycle of my life another spring is near.
I’m ready to persist through the peaks and valleys without fear.
I hold in my heart the love that defined my past.
A separate future, while beaming below his mast.
I must open to all my life and love could be
If I ever want to be truly happy and free.
3/22/09
An Abducted Slumber
The poet refuses sleep.
I toss, I turn,
But she fights.
She wants to pour her emotions,
Bleed her pain onto pale sheets,
Mend her injuries with gathered word.
The silence overcome by the flow
Of the water in the courtyard,
Diluted buy the rattle of the fan.
The emptiness of the room presses upon me.
I struggle to breathe.
The vibration of my being stifled.
I feel only half here.
Drawing from another place my inspiration.
Pulling from an unknown truth my insight.
Why am I here?
What purpose does this consciousness serve?
Futile questions in the immensity of this energy.
Layer, upon layer, upon layer, upon layer of awareness
That we obtain only limited access.
Drawing myself back to what I can perceive.
Why did he leave?
The tears roll at this all too anticipated turn.
The ambiguity clouds my ability to reason.
His gaze contradicts his words.
I feel what he tries to hide.
Perceptible, his struggle.
Apparent, his regard.
My position shifts.
I love him.
I hate him.
Why couldn’t we just embrace?
Accept the beauty presented?
Fall into the clutches of ecstasy?
We’d rather fight,
Rather hide.
What do we gain from it?
An empty room,
An abducted slumber,
A saturated cheek,
And a crowded page.
8/1/09  
The Song
The melody gently floats through the depths of my consciousness,
Reminding me of the beauty that lies constrained.
The fear hides my hope.
The harmony unveils it.
I find myself in his song,
Stuck on that refrain.
Did he sing his truth?
Is everything I am really what he desires?
This beauty within really what he craves?
The dancer within is longing for release.
She flows to the rhythm,
Gracefully moving to every chord,
Arms gliding in unity with the song.
Shedding an age of desolation,
Liberating years of suppressed energy.
The spirit gently finding release with the measure.
Alive with the possibility.
Sailing freely through the strains of a beautiful man.
Discovering hope in his words.
Finding freedom in his song.
We are the beauty we thought was missing,
The strength we thought lacking,
The love which we were perpetually seeking.
Our truth hidden.
Our hope stifled.
No more!
It is our time to shine.
Our fire will burn with the heat of our passion,
For love, for music, for life.
The light within will find its freedom.
Our life will finally find its song.
1/31/10
The Fear Within
The future is approaching at an alarming rate.
I prepare my flight.
The fear within standing in the way of my progress.
The strength within calling for me to stay.
Fighting against my fears.
My body in turmoil.
The battle within,
Spinning and fighting and raging and crying.
The past spilling fears,
Creating a toxic environment
That I am unable to free myself from.
To achieve patience in the process,
To accept that today is where I am,
To realize that tomorrow is not something to fear,
To feel grateful for all I’ve experienced,
A goal I have yet to achieve.
Only in fleeting moments of clarity.
This is where and when I am.
6/18/10  
Heart as Winter
I feel the leaves falling already.
This summer is far from over,
But the leaves are plunging to the ground.
I have lost all desire for the sun.
My mood is inspired by a winter’s chill.
My heart does not match the ripened foliage if summer.
It does not even resemble the deteriorating displays of fall.
It carries the appearance of a desolate winter,
Empty of life and beauty.
Barren is the life within that usually longs for adventure.
Silent is the spirit within that normally yearns to dance.
This loss is deep.
I’ll trade in my precious summer for a time of hope.
The dark days of winter seem closer to a time of happiness.
I want to shed my leaves, so that I can feel life again.
I want to hear the hopeful sounds of spring,
Sing with the birds and dance with the Daffadils.
I want to hear the sound of new life all around me,
So that I can no longer hear the tormenting cries of my broken heart.
8/1/10
I Cannot Be
It’s far to reach.
I take my stand.
That old ghost is haunting me again.
I fly upon the stealing tower of lies.
My trust broken with every reply.
Do you see what’s standing before you?
I hide in the shadow of someone else’s dream.
I cannot be who you want me to be.
3/25/11
Nature’s Palate
Dripping greens in blowing leaves
And blues in flowing streams,
The beauty at the core of life
Shines through as if a dream.
In each and every one of us
Is hidden a palate divine.
Unlock the doors that hide the light
And shine baby shine.
12/31/11
Flowering Plum
The sun looks softly on the morning dew.
Once red, now pink the flowers gracefully bloom.
From this a lesson of abounding hope,
Through unexpected means your dreams will grow.
Though today is engulfed by sorrow,
Patiently await the beauty of tomorrow.
4/24/11 
Be Free
Sadness is filtering through my veins.
My stomach churning with anxious disappointment.
The lesson from this blow still unlearned.
My fear has yet to find a release.
The pain from yesterday imposes a paralysis
That sets in at the first sight of a possible connection.
Today’s fate sapping me of energy and hope.
The uncertainty of tomorrow stealing my today.
It’s been too long.
Would that have made a difference?
Would I not have sabotaged this on my own under any circumstance?
Why will I not accept happiness?
Why do I run so fast from love?
What am I so afraid of?
Why do I have to swim so deep into the darkness to see the light?
I am both.
Why can’t I find the symmetry?
I radiate so much hope at times.
Why can’t I carry it with me in these moments of uncertainty?
This is my Achille’s Heel.
I unravel at the sight of him,
At the thought of this becoming real.
I can hold myself together when it’s just a fantasy.
My dreams are safer…or so it seems.
The reality too uncertain for me to take an authentic leap.
I don’t expect happiness in the end.
Romeo and Juliet was my favorite love story.
Other stories never talked about what happens after happily ever after.
And if they did, it was often like Revolutionary Road.
I don’t see an end for me that isn’t drenched in heartache.
I expect it, so it comes, again and again and again.
I seek it like a moth to a flame.
I run in the direction of misery.
I don’t know how to release myself from that pattern.
I want to be free.
I want to unleash myself from these chains
And walk my way toward the light.
I want to be driven by my hope,
To at his sight fall softly into his arms,
Not expecting either rapture or anguish,
But allowing it to be whatever it is,
And knowing that I can choose the road of happiness in the wake.
I do not have to linger in sorrow.
If it’s not what I want, I can leave.
I can wish them a beautiful future and be on my way.
If it is everything I’ve been waiting for,
I can accept it whole heartedly.
I can embrace it with every part of me,
Knowing that if it is somehow lost
That I can choose to cherish the beauty of every moment,
Rather than remain with the pain.
I can feel it and move forward.
I do not need to rest in that place.
There is too much lost in that.
My fear creates far more pain
Than the things I fear could ever deliver.
If I unravel, I want to unravel in his arms,
So he can see everything,
So he can love everything.
I want to allow for that vulnerability.
I was not ready to see him this weekend.
I need more time to cultivate this change.
I do not want to repeat past experiences.
I want to dance in the new.
I want to express to him openly and face to face
Why I find him so incredibly beautiful.
I don’t want him to question my affection.
I want him to feel it permeating every part of him.
I want my love to free him,
Not to hold him down.
I want my love to free me,
Not to hold me down.
I can allow for this change that’s coming upon me.
I can let go of the fear of what comes next.
There’s always beauty in the pain,
Always pain in the beauty.
I can handle them both.
I don’t have to be afraid anymore.
There is uncertainty now,
But you will understand later.
There’s more pain in avoiding.
Be free!
And you will come to appreciate
The beautiful moments
That you spent in his energy.
You will see it as a momentary gift,
Or fate will deliver many more of those moments.
Whatever the outcome,
Live it in gratitude and love.
Fear no longer has a place here.
Do not force the progress.
Like a cucumber,
Fall when you’re ready,
Without a trace.
Let this process have its full bloom,
That you can give all you have and all he deserves,
And you and he can be free
In the beauty that you are both cultivating.
True happiness lies in each of your ability to be free.
Just be free!
7/21/13  
Life
I’ve seen birds dance, a penguin cry and insects fear.
We are all equally part of this delicate sphere.
12/27/11
May Day
Let’s spread the word with honest words
By lifting arms and strumming chords.
Hug a stranger. Embrace a friend.
Let’s stand together for freedom and peace again.
And with our actions, let’s let them see
The world that we want it to be.
5/1/12 
On the Lily Pads
I sit on a boat in the middle of the lake,
With Lily pads and sounds of nature.
Here to find a direction to take.
The birds, they sing in a language I fear.
Freedom is their song.
I don’t know how to sing along.
The Lily pad sits on the surface with such acceptance.
It does not flounder in fear.
It accepts reality,
Basking in the beauty surrounding it.
If it becomes submerged,
It finds its way back to the surface
With ease and patience.
Patience!
That is something that can be learned from nature,
Acceptance of what is,
No fear of what will be.
It just acknowledges the beauty and finds balance with it.
In doing so, that beauty is maintained.
A wisdom it takes from its ancestors.
Humanity has lost such wisdom.
We plunder that beauty out of our fear of losing it.
We keep defeating what we lack the wisdom to maintain.
As peaceful as this water sits,
As troubled as my mind persists.
The frogs have begun their song.
They encourage my flight.
Only moments of peace are possible,
While entrenched in a culture that destroys
That for which we all long.
Inside lies truth lost over time.
I must let go of the fear of letting it see the light.
7/14/14 
We Forgot How to Sing
Nature makes such sweet sounds.
We've forgotten how to sing with it.
Everything else seems to be moving in harmony.
We forgot how to sing.
I'm here to get that back.
I soon will have to return to the plastic jungle,
Where we convince ourselves of our superiority over such incredible beauty.
In putting ourselves above it, 
We separate ourselves from it. 
We perceive the beauty we have left behind,
But we do not realize it is no longer part of our story.
It is hidden deep inside,
Longing for release, return.
Most are blind to this reality,
Only feeling it in their obscure dissatisfaction,
Constantly busying themselves,
So they can avoid the discomfort of feeling this loss.
Those of us who stumble through the streets knowing
Are seen as threats to their avid denial.
I will walk those streets again tomorrow,
Holding onto the feeling of today.
At first, I'll walk them only in a daze.
No cruel word or vicious act will phase. 
But time in that jungle will rob me of my peace.
The looming sadness will take away my ease. 
And I'll long for another method of escape,
To get me through such inauthentic days.
But in this moment, me and this majestic bird know 
That through the power of natural beauty truth grows. 
7/18/14
I Hear Them Anyway
You wait for me.
You wait for me to come.
You push me away.
You cry when I’m gone.
We are both quivering at the thought of this.
Our awkward silence filled with the things we cannot say.
I hear them anyway.
9/23/14  
The Words
The words, the words, the words, the words,
I want to find the words,
To express this deepest understanding
Of what’s happening to all of us right now.
No words exist to express that.
I try to pull it from others,
But we can only scratch the surface.
The beauty is too overwhelming.
We don’t understand it, yet.
We can’t grasp it, yet.
Everything that is artificial about ourselves
And the world around us,
Keeps us from tapping into that truth.
Occasionally revealed in a poets line.
The agony of our separation from it
Revealed in our cries.
The fear that exists of embracing it
Seen within every lie.
I can find the words to express
The longing, the fear, the separation.
We all know how that feels,
But how do we talk about that which we long for,
That hole we constantly try to fill?
What is it made for?
And how did we lose it?
The words to describe it do not yet exist.
10/16/2014  
Not at Sight
Sun, moon, starshine
Light gleam farther than night.
I stand upon the oceans of fire
Waiting for this desire.
Fountains of dreams mixed in this reality.
My driving force knows
That you are important to me.
I’ve known you before.
Not at sight, at love’s first,
At feeling,
At energy,
At connection.
I fear it.
I run from it.
I want to explore it with you.
Who were you to me?
Who are you to be?
The song we sing is
Enchanting calling curiosity.
7/18/14
Trust that I Have Something to Say
Silenced all these years,
By patriarchy, by conditioning, by cruelty.
Now, I impose it on myself.
I don’t trust my truth.
I worry too much about the perception.
All these words gathered on pages,
And I don’t trust I have anything to say.
I read and I re-read.
One day, a masterpiece.
Another day, deficient.
I need to trust that my words have beauty.
They are the accumulation of all I’ve experienced.
They can act as inspiration, hope and comfort.
We are no longer alone when we speak
Of these truths our world is so afraid of.
Not everyone will understand my song,
But it’s worth singing for my freedom.
To tip-toe gently on the vine
Until I have the courage to take my flight.
11/19/2014
The Caged Bird
It was trembling in my hand,
Prolonging its stay with its anticipation and fear.
I saw the caged bird banging against the window,
With every leap trying to find its freedom.
As I approached, it crouched in fear,
Accepting my assistance with apprehension.
I gently took it between my hands
And slowly began to make my way toward the door.
It panicked and began its flight prematurely,
Loudly crashing against the window.
I approached again.
It cowered but with less fear.
I cupped my hands around its body firmly this time
To prevent another blow.
I felt it trembling in my hands.
The closer I got to the door,
The more I could feel its anticipation,
Fighting back its flight with every breath.
Each step closer to the mountain air that signaled its freedom.
As I stepped onto the deck,
I lifted my hand and said, “Be free!”
Without delay, it took flight,
Disappearing into the forest.
I am that caged bird now,
Stifled by the air I breathe,
Held by the chains of fear,
Welded from years of deprivation and cruelty and isolation.
I keep looking for the door,
But I can’t see my exit.
These limitations drawn by the fears of my ancestors,
Reinforced by me.
What if I jump prematurely?
I don’t know if I can handle another blow.
I feel the air that signifies my freedom.
It fills me with anticipations and fear.
I’m afraid of my flight.
I know the path to liberation lies in that leap,
But I’m afraid to jump.
I don’t trust my wings.
If I succeed, what will I find?
Do I have the strength to live that truth?
To walk that beauty?
And defend it from fear with every step?
12/2014
I Long for Nature
I long for nature, but I fear it.
I fear to walk among the trees.
I fear what I will see, or what will see me.
Walking alone among the towering trees, fear engulfed me.
I knew not what lived in their shadows.
I am unprepared to defend myself against such nature.
We have built so many walls to separate ourselves from it
That we no longer know how to interact with it.
The instincts of my ancestors have been conditioned out of me.
When I find myself in places where nature exists, I fear the unknown.
I was not given the defense mechanisms necessary,
Those that are passed down by every animal to their young.
A stray kitten knows to fear man before it can walk.
Birds and rodents know to seek shelter at the sight of a hawk.
Those important skills have been lost to many of us.
Instead, we fear each other. We fear the unknown,
Which is everything but the illusory safety of our walls.
We don’t even know ourselves.
I fear my own abilities. I fear what I am capable of.
I was never taught to explore them,
Never taught to handle the failure or success.
I was only taught to play it safe,
Not to rock the boat, not to get too excited,
To stay quiet, and never to question.
Raised to be a cog in this machine that is anything but safe.
It destroys our potential. It destroys our hope.
It rains down fear and sorrow. It leads us to retreat into solitary worlds,
Which leads us to fear everything that we don’t understand.
We fear what we see in the mirror. We fear our thoughts.
Because they naturally flow away from this conditioned state.
Underneath all of that inauthenticity is a fire burning toward freedom.
It’s building in every one of us.
The fear tries to contain it, often successfully, but we feel it burning.
It eats away at us every time we hold back.
The heat is burning our desire to love. It can’t be contained forever.
One day, our collective longing will burn this city down.
Every false desire will wither to dust, and when it finally burns out,
What will remain will be the collective heart of the world.
6/18/2015
A Love that Heals
Love, so far,
Has reflected the pain of this world.
It’s been petrified,
Dishonest,
Anxious and vindictive,
Manipulative and full of lies.
It’s set out to punish for wrongs I didn’t commit.
​It's decieved.
In sensing its inauthenticity,
I’ve hidden and I’ve run.
I’ve run fast.
I’ve even stayed too long.
My quest for truth has found little success.
I feel truth.
I can speak it.
But I don’t see it,
Not yet.
I chase beauty on distant shores.
I see it all around me.
I can feel it.
But it still evades me.
I am in utter despair over this reality.
I don’t want to remain stuck here.
I don’t want the pain of my past
To prevent me from connecting to the beauty
In the future.
I don’t want love
To become an abandoned dream.
I don’t want fear
To become the life I lead.
I want to move through this
To a place where I can feel hope again
With depths of my soul that I have yet to reveal.
I want to open to love in ways
I have yet to imagine possible.
I want a love that hears,
That feels.
I want a love that laughs,
A love that’s not afraid to cry.
I want a love that’s honest.
I want a love that won’t bind my wings.
I want a love that will encourage my flight
And support me compassionately
Through my journey to that freedom.
I want a love that heals,
Not one that traumatizes.
And I want everyone else
To find that same peace, trust
And freedom.
2/28/2016
Freedom Warrior
Fierce is this freedom warrior
She is the tear that had the courage to fall.
Truth that had the courage to speak.
Water that had the strength to carve,
The will to support,
The power to fight.
She is working to attain its gentleness,
Its softness,
Its flexibility.
She’s been a bird that overcame its fear to jump.
The wind that overcame its inability to blow.
She has been the wave crashing in celebration.
She is trying to find the courage to dance.
She is the hope under this despair.
She is the beauty building to release,
The truth waiting to be revealed.
2/28/2016
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Background art by Stacy Lanyon