Sadness is filtering through my veins.
My stomach churning with anxious disappointment.
The lesson from this blow still unlearned.
My fear has yet to find a release.
The pain from yesterday imposes a paralysis
That sets in at the first sight of a possible connection.
Today’s fate sapping me of energy and hope.
The uncertainty of tomorrow stealing my today.
It’s been too long.
Would that have made a difference?
Would I not have sabotaged this on my own under any circumstance?
Why will I not accept happiness?
Why do I run so fast from love?
What am I so afraid of?
Why do I have to swim so deep into the darkness to see the light?
I am both.
Why can’t I find the symmetry?
I radiate so much hope at times.
Why can’t I carry it with me in these moments of uncertainty?
This is my Achille’s Heel.
I unravel at the sight of him,
At the thought of this becoming real.
I can hold myself together when it’s just a fantasy.
My dreams are safer…or so it seems.
The reality too uncertain for me to take an authentic leap.
I don’t expect happiness in the end.
Romeo and Juliet was my favorite love story.
Other stories never talked about what happens after happily ever after.
And if they did, it was often like Revolutionary Road.
I don’t see an end for me that isn’t drenched in heartache.
I expect it, so it comes, again and again and again.
I seek it like a moth to a flame.
I run in the direction of misery.
I don’t know how to release myself from that pattern.
I want to be free.
I want to unleash myself from these chains
And walk my way toward the light.
I want to be driven by my hope,
To at his sight fall softly into his arms,
Not expecting either rapture or anguish,
But allowing it to be whatever it is,
And knowing that I can choose the road of happiness in the wake.
I do not have to linger in sorrow.
If it’s not what I want, I can leave.
I can wish them a beautiful future and be on my way.
If it is everything I’ve been waiting for,
I can accept it whole heartedly.
I can embrace it with every part of me,
Knowing that if it is somehow lost
That I can choose to cherish the beauty of every moment,
Rather than remain with the pain.
I can feel it and move forward.
I do not need to rest in that place.
There is too much lost in that.
My fear creates far more pain
Than the things I fear could ever deliver.
If I unravel, I want to unravel in his arms,
So he can see everything,
So he can love everything.
I want to allow for that vulnerability.
I was not ready to see him this weekend.
I need more time to cultivate this change.
I do not want to repeat past experiences.
I want to dance in the new.
I want to express to him openly and face to face
Why I find him so incredibly beautiful.
I don’t want him to question my affection.
I want him to feel it permeating every part of him.
I want my love to free him,
Not to hold him down.
I want my love to free me,
Not to hold me down.
I can allow for this change that’s coming upon me.
I can let go of the fear of what comes next.
There’s always beauty in the pain,
Always pain in the beauty.
I can handle them both.
I don’t have to be afraid anymore.
There is uncertainty now,
But you will understand later.
There’s more pain in avoiding.
And you will come to appreciate
The beautiful moments
That you spent in his energy.
You will see it as a momentary gift,
Or fate will deliver many more of those moments.
Whatever the outcome,
Live it in gratitude and love.
Fear no longer has a place here.
Do not force the progress.
Like a cucumber,
Fall when you’re ready,
Without a trace.
Let this process have its full bloom,
That you can give all you have and all he deserves,
And you and he can be free
In the beauty that you are both cultivating.
True happiness lies in each of your ability to be free.
Just be free!